written from a dear Katelyn’s Fund volunteer and friend, Alissa Kroeze
What’s your biggest fear? If you’re honest, what would be the worst thing that could happen to you in this life?
I (like most people) would have said to lose someone I love. I was only 23 when I was faced with my worst fear. We were newly married and expecting a baby. A baby boy. I was 21 weeks pregnant when they told me that our baby was sick, and would never leave a hospital, if he was born alive at all. My worst fear, staring me in the face.
Fear has a way of making us hold back. protect.
Fear “allows” us to make deals, explain behaviors, or just close off.
Fists clenched, I fought to stay in control. But when the diagnosis for our son was just too grim, there was no choice but to surrender. It was in that surrender, of the thing I held most dear, that I learned how to live.
(Jesus praying in Gethsemane) And going a little farther, he fell on the ground and prayed that, if it were possible, the hour might pass from him. And he said, “Abba, Father, all things are possible for you. Remove this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will -Mark 14: 35-36
I will admit, saying “Lord, your will be done”, and truly meaning it is easier when you feel like you’ve already lost. The valley of the shadow of death was certainly in front of us. In only a way that a sovereign God could orchestrate, the sufferings of the body of Christ give Him glory. And God’s glory and our good are mysteriously interwoven. To live in the light of the gospel and reality of heaven when it is so very close to you is a gift I never knew I needed. The nearness of
God was my only reprieve in the last weeks of our son’s life; knowing each day, each minute could be his last. I continued to carry Jude until November 19, 2010, when he was stillborn.
We continue to live a (perceived) safe life, protecting us from our fears, when releasing our fears is actually what can set us free. So many of our days on earth, we spend in an illusion of control; feeling safe. We want to be in control of our finances, our jobs, our kids, our government, our entertainment, our spouse…. But what if we acknowledge, and live, knowing that none of those things belong to us anyway?
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen
you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. -Isaiah 41:10