I cannot remember a time in my life that I didn’t believe in adoption, advocate for it, strive for it, yearn for it.  As far back as my self-awareness goes, it included a truth that adoption was a part of me.  Who knows why, really…..I’m guessing when I was very small I learned what the word meant and God planted a seed deep within me to grow……

Here I am now, in the middle years of my life span, I hope, and I have had the joy and priveledge to adopt two children separately…..and to experience biological parenting with three other children.  I have a full nest.  If I were younger, and had more time, I would likely pursue more adoption through foster care and international programs…..but as it stands, I am busy, and weary.  I know I am writing to the authors here, and preaching to the choir…..because many in the Katelyn’s Fund family have large families built on adoption…..I’m trusting that tonight I am writing to the authors, and preaching to the choir.

Authors….choir…..I’m feeling less ideal these days.  Less believing, advocating, striving and yearning…..one of my adopted children is having a really hard time and I have read the books and done the therapies and prayed the prayers and cried the tears and we are not in a good place.  I’m sad.  I’m frustrated.  I’m tired.  I’m not so much for adoption this week……neither is she.  Tonight she cried for a birth mom she never knew…..and said, “I want my real mom” and after many tantrums and sweat and tears from both of us…..I wanted her “real” mom, too.  Somewhere in her intelligent little soul, she was saying to me……”mama…..I know you are my mama…..and you are trying so hard but you cannot fix the fact that I belonged with another mama first.  She decided I should go with you…..but I was made inside of her.  I want to be with the one who made me…..the one I look like…..the one who knows better why I am the way I am”   When she said she missed her “real” mom, I believed her.  I love this child so much, that for her sake, if things were different 5 years ago, I would have moved heaven and earth for her to stay with that birth mom, had I had the chance.

Adoption says that this is just not how it is.  Adoption says that an umbilical cord may have never joined us, but from moment one our hearts connected and the only time all is right with the world, for her and for me, is when her heart is right up against mine.  She and I cry lots of tears with our hearts beating in harmony, chest to chest, sometimes sweaty and spent.  I told her this today, that our hearts were connected forever because God made that happen, and that instead of our belly buttons, it was our hearts that joined us.  When I feel her heart beat against mine, I know she is my child and she is right where she needs to be.  When I am frustrated and not for this journey….my heart hurts because my heart knows.

Our adoption therapist listened to me talk and cry awhile and prescribed some intentional self care for mama…..and a referral for my little girl….and so we are not giving up on us.  Our hearts and our hands stay connected from now until forever…..and hopefully someday soon, I will have words and smiles and inspiration to encourage another family to pursue adoption to add a child to their family.  Hopefully soon I will really, really want that for others, again.

In the mean time, authors of my experience, and choir members I am preaching to…..lets do continue to write out our thoughts, the good and the bad, and sing our hymns, the happy and sad…..because this community matters a lot to me, now more than ever.