I nervously sat across the room from Kaylan, the 13-year-old pregnant girl who had chosen to meet my husband and me after seeing our adoption profile at an agency. her belly was bulging under her rocker t-shirt and she was checking us out through her platinum-dyed bangs.
I had my iPhone on record in my bag, hoping to get every word she said on record so I could go back and listen to discern whether or not she liked us and was going to choose us to be the parents of the tiny baby in her belly. I was going to have to trust that Kaylan could be carrying a healthy baby, that she’d really give the baby up to us after the birth, that she’d stick to that decision after we took the baby home, that he or she would attach to us, that I’d feel the same kind of love for this precious one that I’d feel if I were able to carry one of my own. I’d have to trust that all of this and a thousand other details would work themselves out so that my dear husband and I could become the parents we so longed to be.
Did I have enough faith? Could I sustain my trust that all would work out perfectly? Could I trust that if the details didn’t work out that I would not shrivel up and die? I chose to trust. I let go and sent up thousands of prayers and carried around a note card with favorite verses and inspirations for those moments when I felt vulnerable and afraid-and those moments happened daily, sometimes hourly. I am humbled by the miracle of how our adoption story unfolded. I was the very first to hold our daughter, our perfect little girl. I trusted that 13-year old, and I trusted God. The payoff was miraculous. For me, trust meant letting go of the way I dreamed I’d become a mother. When I let that go, I finally became one. It is absolutely everything I dreamed it would be.
"Faith relieves us of the burdens imposed both by the past and the future. Trust…and you will find yourself in the present—and the Presence of God." ~Carol Ann Morrow
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding/ Seek his will in all you do, and he will direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6