We have adopted 2 children and biologically had 3 children. One of our adoptions was a domestic closed adoption and one was a very open domestic adoption. We tried to do an international adoption but that was not God’s plan. We have honored our 2 birth moms in thought, deed and prayer and are so grateful that they were willing to allow their children to come be a part of our family…..
Presently, I am involved with 2 different women who are parenting 2 children and placing their third for adoption. One of the women I met on social media because her best friend is my niece…..the other mom is someone I have known for about 5 years and worked with in parenting and life skills…..and her adoption placement is more personal to me. I did not expect her to choose adoption over parenting her third child…..but it makes sense. She is a very loving mother to her 2 children now but they have different fathers who are not helpful. She struggles to keep jobs that are dead-end and profitless. She can’t finish school because of daily crises…..so she has no college degree…..and her family and friends are getting tired of always watching her children and paying her bills. This is a strong, smart young woman who is in over her head and overwhelmed at the idea of being a single mom to 3 children. Her choice to place this baby for adoption is agonizing. She cries rivers of tears and stares at the ultrasound of him……and hopes he will someday understand that she is doing this for him.
I was with her when she met the social worker who will facilitate the adoption. She was nervous and had alot of questions and the worker was very kind and gentle. My friend choked back tears and bravely asked hard questions. I was with her when she started to look at family profile books…..and we laughed at the things that she liked and the things that bothered her…..and I watched her read the “dear birth mom” letter that I remember writing 6 years ago…..agonizing over every word as I tried to convey how grateful and humbled I was to be considered for a child……and as my friend read the letters she began to open up to the idea of gifting her son to a family who is waiting and praying for him…….
Tragedy is beautiful and aweful and tragedy explains adoption. The birth moms who place our children for adoption so that we can raise them are gift-givers and sacrificial. They go through a fire I will never know and on the other side they may have more peace and less responsibility but their pain leaves scars. Would I give a gift if it left scars? I’m not sure. Birth moms do……and so did Jesus. When God sent his son to earth to live and die for us, it left scars on his heart, I think. When Jesus gave the utmost gift possible and died so that we could live in heaven….the scars in his hands remained even after he rose from the dead. Big gifts…..life changing gifts…..sometimes leave scars.
I am so proud of my friend who is thinking about which family will be best for her unborn son. I will be there for her the days and weeks and months after he goes to be their child…..and I will tend to her scars. When I do, I will think of our two birth moms and maybe all the other birth moms out there who carry these scars that I will never have. Scars are a sign of battle and of healing and should be worn with pride. I hope I can help her see that and also to live that in my life.