I am not sure how to write this post. I want to be raw and real. I want to share honestly. And yet there is part of me that wants to hold back. I don’t want to scare people away from the gift of adoption. I realize that all that I am feeling and all that I have experienced can not be put into a blog. So here I am, it is my day to blog for Katelyn’s fund and I am a day removed from the hardest, most disappointing, emotional time in of my life.
Let me paint a quick picture of my life: I have a 4 year old biological son, a 3 year old adopted daughter, an amazing God-fearing husband of 9 1/2 years and a community and family network that is truly a God-send. My life is a good one in which I count each day as a blessing and continue to try to surrender my life to my savior and friend Jesus Christ. So, here we are adopting again, thrilled God has called us on this journey again! We became a waiting family this past Sept. and on Nov. 11th got the call for what seemed to be a perfect match. A little boy due Dec. 8th in New Orleans to a young birth mom. All my specific prayers were answered- the timing of it, the gender, the funds coming in…all just too perfect! We finished the nursery, started thinking of names, preparing my body to nurse, and began prepping our kids for a new brother. We talked with birth mom a week later and her c-section was going to be scheduled the following week. However, instead of getting word of the c-section date that following week we found out the baby was born the night before.
Heathy baby, birth mom committed to her adoption plan but a birth grandmother visiting that was adamantly against it. The first surrender was scheduled for Thanksgiving morning- it was canceled to pressure from grandma the night before. Second surrender was scheduled a week later and birth mom had been texting with us and social workers expressing her commitment to the adoption plan. My husband and I drove our kids from Wisconsin to Michigan to stay with extend family last wednesday and we started the drive to New Orleans to be there to hold this little babe Friday morning after the surrender and have lunch with the birth mom. However, birthmom could not be contacted and the 2nd surrender did not go through. We stayed in the city to see what would happened. Birthmom reached out to us and we took her and the baby to lunch the next day. We had a nice visit, I held the little babe for an hour and she expressed her peace about her choice. We schedule the 3rd surrender for the next day, Sunday afternoon. Texted with her all evening and went to bed very sure that she would follow through on this 3rd attempt. However, Sunday morning and afternoon came and she was unreachable. We had to cancel the 4th surrender and chose to start the drive back home. Took 2 days to drive back to Michigan, once arrived in Michigan we got a call saying that the birth grandma had gone home to Florida and she is ready to follow through on her adoption plan. So, yesterday we were hopeful that indeed this baby was suppose to be our son. But once again she was not reachable at the time of the surrender.
So here we are. ‘Letting go’ of what was a “perfect” adoption story. ‘Letting go’ of a dream story of new friendship, and family in the bond and connection with birth mom and baby. ‘Letting go’ of what we thought was an amazing story of God working in ways only He could get the glory through this adoption happening. ‘Letting go’ of our hope that this little baby boy was suppose to be adopted into our family. ‘Letting go’ of disappointment that all the different ways we saw this unfolding are not God’s will. ‘Letting go’ of any tiny morsel of control we thought we had. ‘Letting go’ of hurt, inconvenience, bitterness, money and sadness that this young woman in crisis caused. ‘Letting go’ of our plans and our dreams.
And here we are. ‘Holding tight’ to our sovereign Lord. ‘Holding tight’ to the words of the prophet Habakkuk spoke when his circumstances looked bleat and suffering and loss were his reality, “yet I will rejoice in the Lord. I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign Lord is my strength.” (3:18 & 19). We are ‘holding tight’ to to the truth spoken by Paul in Romans 8:28 “we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him who have been called according to His purpose.” We are holding tight to the evidence of God’s faithfulness displayed in the faithful ones who have gone before us whose stories are recorded in the Bible. People who had deep disappointment and felt deceived by God, like Moses or Jeremiah, or even John the baptist. We ‘hold tight’ to the bigger story of redemption we KNOW God is writing throughout history and all over the earth. We are ‘holding tight’ to the character of God, choosing to focus on His love, goodness, and faithfulness.
So here we are. Sad. Griefing. YET, hopeful. Feeling held by Jesus.
Would we go back and do anything different. Surprisingly, no. I am only a day removed from this and yet in God’s grace my husband and I have seen beauty in the broken pieces. We somehow feel very closer to each other (I did not think that was possible). We have a new understanding of “praying without ceasing”. We have a deeper passion for adoption and the women and child that need adopted families and support. We have seen, yet again, the amazing support of the body of Christ.
I could go on and on with details, emotions, prayers prayed, and God’s work however, to be honest I am tired of thinking about this and ready to just lay it at the feet of Jesus again!