Today is the birthday of my son’s birth mom. If she were still alive, she would be 36 today. 36. Fully adult, not too young, not too old. Her life was cut short. He doesn’t know. He knows he was adopted and that his birth mom’s name was Heidi and she got sick and couldn’t take care of him any more so she wanted us to adopt him. That’s as much as we could frame up…..for him and for our other kids at the time. She died. I have silently grieved her death today, on her birthday. I wanted to tell him, “look buddy! its your Heidi-mom’s birthday today!” and show him pictures and maybe have a cake and blow out a candle. I couldn’t because if I start doing that he will ask more about her and I will have to tell him she died. I can’t do that yet without crying and struggling….and I don’t want him to feel my sorrow just yet. Maybe it’s selfish to keep that to myself. Maybe it’s instinctive parenting. He is only 4. He cannot understand it. Gosh. I miss her. I wish I could call her on her birthday and we could sing happy birthday to her together andmake her a video that she would love…..but she is gone.
If I open this conversation with Joe who is 4…..then my 7 year old child will also ask about her birth mom’s birthday….and her birthmom chose to not share very much with us. We do not know when her birthday is….and so that creates even more grief and loss and wonder for her. Why couldn’t we know her birth mom’s birthday? Where is she? How old is she? what is she like now, 7 years later? We don’t know. This birth mom chose to not share more.
I will always and forever encourage families to adopt children. Adoption is a good, good thing. I will always raise awareness for it and share the beauty of it and remember that it is God’s plan to set the lonely in families…..to break the generational strongholds of sin and disease, to redeem all people for the Lord’s saving grace….I will. I always will.
Tonight, on this day, January 10, I am in the heavy weight of grief and loss because these 2 children who call me mom lost a mom before me. One was lost on the “gotcha day” when she handed her over to us and walked away. The other was lost after a voluntary and open adoption…..and then death. Adoption…..hurts. I can go through my day today cooking, shopping, working, , etc. and still feel a palpable loss for my son. His first mama didn’t get to turn 36 today. I believe she is in Heaven, celebrating her day with the Lord. I have to. I believe she is whole and happy and dancing with the angels. Someday, maybe we can celebrate her birthday with a picture of that in mind. For today, I just tried to do a normal Tuesday with my little guy and not bring it up.