This week I discovered some very tragic news about my Daughter’s birth mom. My daughter is only 5 yrs old and though she knows the name and bits and pieces of her birth mom’s story she is still too young for me to share this news. So, I wrote her a letter that will help me when the day comes to tell her of this tragic news. I have shared my letter below.
I am grateful for the little things I do have to give my daughter about her birth mom and this video testimony ( http://www.stelizabethfoundation.org/pregnant/stories-talshica.php ) she did is priceless to me now!
Dearest Hadassah my sweet daughter, January 31st 2017
Gigi encouraged me to write you a letter today since you are too young right now to talk to about how I’m feeling. Yesterday morning during my prayer time I felt that I should ‘google’ your birthmom’s name, Tal’Shica Early. What I found literally dropped me to my knees at the couch in tears! I found her obituary from March 2016. I am so saddened by this news. I love her deeply and we shared a very unique and special bond, as women who deeply love you.
I knew that she had been struggling with cervical cancer. She had been given the results of an abnormal pap smear test when I was with her at her last check up before you were born. She was very fearful of cancer, as anyone would be. It wasn’t until 2014 that she had got a diagnosis of cancer. She and I had a close friendship over the first 4 years of your life, talking about faith, raising children, and encouraging her in her dream of owning her own beauty school. However, when she began battling cancer she retreated quite a bit and sadly, falsely believed she should walk through it with just God. I tried to maintain our friendship with emails, texts, and cards but she remained pretty silent. The last time I spoke to her it was a very sweet conversation on Dec. 7th 2014 after our failed adoption of a little boy in New Orleans. I gave her a call to let her know what had just happened and she was super encouraging. Your dad and I were at one of the hardest places we had ever been and she spoke truth to me about God’s sovereign plan. She told me she had just finished her chemotherapy and was going back to the doctor next month to see how it worked. I was unable to get in touch with her again over the next year so around Christmas 2015 I sent the local police to the address I had to do a welfare check. They reported to me that her son, Dillon had answered the door and said she was in the hospital still doing cancer treatment. And that was the last I heard about her. I continued to send cards and pictures of you but never heard anything. You can see why getting the news of her passing away almost a year from her death was so hard for me. She died March 30th 2016.
I can think of many things I wish I would’ve done. I long to have been able to tell her how much we love her and how grateful we are that she chose life for you and chose us to be your forever family! I wish I could’ve comforted her with the truth of God’s deep love for her and the assurance of eternal life with Him. If nothing else I wish we could’ve been at her funeral to meet your biological family. Yesterday was a day full of tears for your dad and I. We are grieving not only Tal’Shica death but, what that will mean for you. I am crushed that my hope of a restored relationship on some level for you and her is gone. I am upset that if you wanted to ask her questions about why she chose adoption or about your genetics, you will not be able to. I am sad that some of the dreams her and I discussed about sharing our adoption journey with others to promote life will never happened. We used to joke about a lifetime channel movie being made about her life and her 2 adoption experiences. It hurts me to know that all this is gone.
I am so sorry that this is the way it is. I am beyond grateful however, that you are my daughter! I am praising God that He ordained for her to chose adoption and place you in our loving arms. I can’t help but rejoice that you are not left without a mother at age 4. I squeezed you and kissed you over 2o times yesterday (most days it is at least 10 times!) You are loved more then you can imagine! All of us (your forever family) count your life as a huge blessing from God and can’t imagine our lives without you in them! You have been a delight from the moment you were born. Your lively spirit, your passionate attitude, your beautiful smile, your tender loving heart are just some of the parts of you I wanted Tal’Shica to get to know someday. I know you have her resilient determined spirit, I see it in you already at age 5! You have her outward beauty and strong petite body. I am sure there are many other traces of her in you and in that way her memory will live on through you.
Hadassah my sweet daughter, I am sorry for this big loss in your life. I am sorry, this is not what I wanted for you. I do however know that God’s ways are far above my ways and His plans are far better than my plans. I trust He will help you through this news and this loss. I Know He is more than able to provide all the comfort and peace you need. I pray that you too will grow to love and trust in Jesus and will get to meet your birthmom in heaven someday.
Your dad and I are always going to be here for you! Please know you can ask us any question, you can cry on our shoulders, you can get angry. We are here for you and through we can’t understand what it feels like to be in your shoes we will support you and walk with you.
We love you Hadassah Grace!