What’s behind the scenes? That’s the question I’ve learned to ask. Although I have to admit, sometimes I ask it later than I should.
Being disrespectful?
What’s behind the scenes…
Glaring at me? Rolling of the eyes?
What’s behind the scenes…
Having a short fuse?
What’s behind the scenes…
Aches and pains that don’t make any sense?
What’s behind the scenes…
Being rude to others?
Mood swings?
Stomping up the stairs?
What’s behind the scenes…
FEAR.
Or
SADNESS.
Or
FEAR.
It has taken me much time (and therapy) to learn that many times what’s behind the scenes of my adopted children’s actions and moods is that they are afraid.
It is much easier for them to feel in control if they channel their fear into something else, like anger–or disgust, or irritation, or frustration, or shyness, or—you name it.
Some adopted kids are abandoned. Some are mistreated. Some have gone hungry.
They may have been lied to. Abused. Experienced death in a very real way.
When my kids have been acting like normal, secure children, sometimes I forget. I forget that those very real FEARS are just under the surface. Will all those things happen again? Which one and when?
My daughter consistently reacted in an unusual way to my niece’s boyfriend. I chalked it up to being a tween.
Turns out he had a bridge, or false tooth that he had shown the kids. Her biological Grandfather had a tooth missing too. So she was reminded of that loss, and fear of loss, each time she saw him.
My daughter constantly wanted to wear her hair in a bun. She has beautiful hair. I wished she’d wear it down. But the discussion made her upset. She hated to wear it down.
Turns out…her birthmom always wore her hair in a bun.
What’s behind the scenes?
Try to always ask yourself that question. It tends to put behavior in a new light.
