After we decided to adopt again, just a month or so ago, everything seemed to change. I saw things differently, and compared things in new ways. Here's one of them….that is not too serious. Many are. The Adoption Process, for me, is kind of like dieting. You have an end result in mind, and it is better than where you currently are. You know the way is hard, because you have heard the testimony of others, and maybe have been down this road yourself before. It will take planning, prayer, lots of time and energy….and then things won't go the way you want them to. Some will go better, others will be a train wreck….but you just keep chugging on, knowing that you are moving forward to get to a place better than where you have been.
I've dieted before, once or twice. In the moment, the "diet" seemed aweful, but once it was done I had good things to show for it, goals met, peace and satisfaction and better health. Later, when I was trying to hang onto that weight loss, and sometimes failing….I wanted to go back to that place where the numbers were moving and I was seeing changes and results….I was envious of others who were losing weight, looking better, etc. It was easier to diet than to maintain the change and still achieve peace, satisfaction and better health. For me, in adoption, it was similar. When our adoption was in process, I was just longing to be done and to have our child….but when it was done, I had a wierd ache to be back in that place of contending, praying, dreaming, wondering. I was excited and jealous for others who were in the process of bringing more kids home….even though I was abundantly busy and content and thrilled with the birdies in my nest, I couldn't help wonder if we would pass this way again.
Now… I am talking about adoption, and bringing children into families, for sure. We are. But. I think I'm also talking about God's Will. That's the bigger thought here. Moving into God's will is exciting and scary and active and vibrant….and has successes and failures….and then maintaining it is hard, like a diet plateau, or a completed adoption, an end to a long and heart-wrenching journey. I'm not talking about the child him/herself. That is altogether a different thing….I'm talking about the process, the journey, the prayers and conversations, the support, the encouragement, the affirmation, the spiritual battle, the feeling of being so alive and purposeful and diligent…..
So, as we embark upon this new journey of another adoption, I do feel all of that…..and in an embarassingly shallow, petty, trivial way…..I'm just hiding under a shadow of huge Wings, feeling just a bit intimidated…..again.