Parenting is not for the faint of heart – no matter how God has called you to be a parent – there is nothing easy about it!!  I have felt since our first adoption, that parenting an adopted child was very different and, for me, much harder.  I question so much more than I did with our biological children.  So when I ran across this book, 20 Things Adoptive Parents Need to Succeed by Sherrie Eldridge, I felt ready for the help!!  It is a wonderful resource for parents – I could give you tidbits from every chapter but I will let you read it and leave you with one great nugget here:

"Every adopted child has special needs, different needs, emotional vulnerabilities that accompany the dynamics of adoptive family living.  Adoption experts Holly van Gulden and Lisa Bartel-Rabb say in their classic book Real Parents, Real Children: ‘Though the term ’special needs children’ is used in a very specific way in adoption, we believe that all adopted children have special needs – needs that children raised by their birth parents don’t face.’  You also have special needs as parents, not only because your children have certain emotional vulnerabilities but because you jumped through extraordinary hoops to adopt…It’s not that there’s anything inferior about you.  Far from it!  Adoptive parenting is not for the fainthearted.  You experience grief, loss, fears of rejection, and challenges too numerous to mention.  You simply have different needs than biological parents do."

Be encouraged – there is help out there and it’s ok to ask or search for it – we have answered a high calling and may need some extra grace to accomplish it!

(For further encouragement, visit my blog HERE – I did a post last week on our journey with our most recent adoption – God is faithful!!)

Becky

Several months ago my 7-year-old daughter invited a friend for a playdate. The little girl had not yet been in our home or spent time with our family. As the “princesses” played, our young “prince” (a terrific 2-year-old with Disney-like charm) tried to get in on the fun. The girls sweetly catered to his whims while he enjoyed the pampering of two older ladies.  

The two girls chuckled together, and it was over just like that. I was pleased by my daughter’s lightheartedness and quick wit (if not graceful tact ), and I was thankful for her little pal who simply accepted the straightforward reply. Still, the 15-second conversation has returned to my thoughts many times since.  Someone kindly asks, gesturing to my 4 kids, “Are these all yours?” Or I spot an onlooker’s eyes darting back and forth between my cocoa-skinned, espresso-eyed boy and my milky-skinned, sapphire-eyed girl. I’m waiting anxiously for someone to ask my son, “Is that your real mom?”

Heather

Chapter 8 – Denouncing the Powers and Principalities

Summary

“According to Paul, principalities and powers are the personalities and forces that dominate our lives and our world.  These personalities and forces are visible and invisible, earthly and heavenly.  They include human rulers, large world structures, angelic beings like Michael, and demonic beings like Satan.” (113)

“These unseen powers and principalities seem to reveal themselves through human beings and the institutions we create.” (113-114)

“ . . . an unhealthy focus on the demonic dimension of racism does more harm than good.  If we try to take on these forces and cast them out in nonbiblical or extrabiblical ways, as some people teach, we put ourselves at risk.” (115)

Powers and Principalities at Work:

·    Spirit of pride (or, spirit of empire) – “drives people to conquer and vanquish others based on the evil, insidious ideology of racial and ethnic superiority.  This supernatural entity refuses to submit to God and produces a human arrogance that attempts to make God and others in one’s own image . . . There is possibly no greater pride than the belief that God is just like us!” (116)
·    Spirit of mammon – “propagates the lie that money is more important than human life . . . where the spirit of mammon is operating, human beings are objectified and reduced to commodities, property that can be bought or sold.” (118)
·    Spirit of fear – “this spirit propagates the xenophobia—hatred of strangers or foreigners—that is prevalent in our world.  Blind fear of anything or anyone different from one’s own people group has produced heightened suspicion, hostility and distrust between people from diverse racial and ethnic backgrounds.” (118)

“The spirit of pride and the spirit of the empire can also be seen whenever we start to feel a sense of manifest destiny to save the world and police all the bad guys.  It is true that governments are called to protect their people and to trade with their neighbors; however, when we cross the line of being one nation among many and start to think of ourselves as the chosen nation, the best nation and the Big Brother of all the other nations, we have fallen into self-worship and idolatry.” (118-119)

“In the West, we fool ourselves into thinking that if we understand a problem, we have solved the problem.  We believe that knowledge is power, and so when we articulate a brilliant critique we think we have gained the victory.  But critique is not enough.  Though truth makes freedom possible, it is only love for the least and the lost that brings the kingdom of God near.” (121)

“We will never discern the principalities and powers that distort and dehumanize our ethnic group or nation unless we begin to ask for discernment.” (123)

Think on these questions in prayer.

·    “What is our people’s particular theory of specialness or chosen-ness?”
·    “What institutions especially support that theory?”
·    “What images in our common life symbolize the main things that we worship about ourselves?”
·    “What people are excluded or looked upon as inferior as a result of our theory of our specialness?”
·    “What human personality and demonic presence might lie behind our theory of our specialness?  What false gods might our fathers and mothers have worshiped?” (125)

“The good news of the kingdom finds its richest, deepest and most powerful expression as we seek the alienated and excluded.” (127)

________________________________________
McNeil, Brenda Salter, and Rick Richardson.  The Heart of Racial Justice: How Soul Change Leads to Social Change.  Downers Grove: InterVarsity Press, 2009.

Sherri

Everyone has something that they purchased that they feel was worth every penny. For my wife, it is a particular pair of shoes. For my dad, it is a particular fly rod. For me, it is a lunch from the place I complained about every day I was in school. Let me explain.

The school my daughter goes to will allow you, for the cost of the meal, to join your child for lunch. My daughter asked me for several weeks when I would be able to join her. Unfortunately, my travel schedule for work coupled with the numerous weather systems that have blanketed our area with more snow than desired made it hard to work out a schedule. I finally made a point of taking the time off from my schedule right before a particular work excursion to do it.

You can imagine the look on my daughter’s face when she saw me at the door to her classroom. Even with her normally bubbling personality, she absolutely started beaming. Of course she was a little shy and a little embarrassed, you could tell that I had just made her day, week, maybe even month.

Once everyone had washed their hands, we proceeded down the hall and stairs to the cafeteria. We got our food and I proceeded to fit my 6′1" frame onto the bench that is sized for my 3′5" daughter. While my daughter was busy chatting with her classmates about the day, I could feel the happiness in her being as she sat next to me. I was showing her commitment and love that she could relate to.

If you find the opportunity to do something with your child that is in their daily routine away from home, I would encourage you to do so. The $2.10 is the best investment that I have made in a long time and is one that I will do again.

As Valentines is right around the corner…it got me thinking about LOVE.

Our family has experienced loss in the adoption process, and as such, I’d like to piggy back of Heather’s post. When our precious daughter died 3 months after arriving home from India, in addition to heart wrenching grief, I remember feeling lost.

Julie

Sometimes God has another plan than the one we anticipated.  That is what our family is learning – we could have learned this same thing with our biological children, and may still, but God is choosing to teach us this right now with one of our adopted daughters – that is why I want to share it here.  We don’t know the journey God has us on but we know we can rely on Him to lead us.  Everyday brings new challenges and even some new hurts, but God is gracious – we are finding Grace literally at every turn.  We praise him!  When I read this it immediately resonated with me – I did not write this poem but am giving credit to the author.  If God grants you "a trip to Holland", I pray you can find blessings in it – they are there – just keep your eyes open.

Becky

A quiet and discreet announcement arrived in my email Inbox about a month ago. A long-time friend shared that she and her husband were starting the Haitian adoption process. My friend is a veteran at international adoption; she knew the wait would be long and would require great endurance and unparalleled faith, but God’s call was evident… and so, they began.

Heather

Chapter 7 – Receiving and Extending Forgiveness

Summary

“ . . . we live in a society where ethnic stereotypes abound, false images that are promoted in the media and through selective news reporting. These stereotypes then take root in our hearts and minds, and if we have personal experiences that reinforce them, they can profoundly distort our relationships.” (96)

“In this chapter we will deal with sin, forgiveness, and how to overcome the pride, dominance, rage, and revenge that result from racism. If we attempt to build friendships or bring institutional change without addressing these core issues, our efforts will leave immense problems unresolved and festering . . . We need a spiritual change at the core to sustain high trust levels, empower enduring friendships and bring lasting institutional changes . . . Any process that glosses over the full extent and seriousness of the sin and evil done against others by us will fail.” (97)

“As potential reconcilers who want to bring healing to people and nations, we must understand and embrace genuine forgiveness and authentic racial reconciliation . . . The journey into forgiveness begins with the healing of memories in those areas where we’ve sinned or been sinned against.” (97-98)

“Extending forgiveness is an absolutely essential act for people who have been sinned against. Without such an act, we—and especially people of color—carry rage, resentment, and self-hatred that can cripple us . . . The process of extending forgiveness also allows us to bring our hurt, rage, and hopelessness into the presence of God and lay it at the foot of the cross . . . the cross is the only safe place to let the dangerous and destructive depth of our hurt, rage, pain and fear be expressed.” (99)

“ . . . we must recognize that all of us have participated in some way in racial problems and brokenness, either by our actions or by our silence. . . In addition, many of us suffer (or enjoy) long-term consequences of unjust choices that our forebears made.” (102)

“People of European background have these advantages even though they are often unaware of them and may not have done anything to gain them. But, as Gordon Marino points out . . . people who benefit from a crime against others share in the responsibility for the crime and need to help make things right even if they didn’t have anything to do with the initial criminal act.” (103-104)

Brenda spoke at a large convention and told the story of a hate-crime (murder) against a member of her church. But, there was another victim that she failed to mention in her speech. The second victim was Korean, and those Koreans who heard her speech were deeply hurt by this omission. The next day, Brenda apologized and asked forgiveness. She relates that after such an experience, “she now understood how it must feel to be white. She identified with how difficult it must be to try hard to ‘get it right’ but not be able to say or do the right thing.” (105)

Discussion

As with most of the chapters so far, this chapter provides much to consider. I believe that I am on my way to recognizing how I have participated in the racial problems that exist today. I am recognizing more and more of the ways that I have benefited due to being white. And, as I’ve begun to recognize and accept more of my shortcomings, I’ve begun to feel a bit hopeless and overwhelmed at certain points.

Can I ever get this right if I’m white? Can I really help right the wrongs of the past? Why should people of color ever forgive the racist actions of whites? How will my children feel about whites as they grow and learn of our country’s history of racism? Can we ever really overcome this?

I greatly appreciated the story that Brenda shared. She is a person of color and erred in a way that whites have for years. That doesn’t relieve me of my responsibility, but I feel understood by at least one person of color. I really do try to “get it right,” but I fail . . . A LOT. I am grateful for her recognition that there are whites who are trying, and that they may be frustrated with their lack of success.

Questions from Study Guide (191)

• Have you experienced or benefited from white privilege?
• Do you believe that those who benefit from a crime share in the responsibility of that crime and need to help make things right? Why or why not?

________________________________________
McNeil, Brenda Salter, and Rick Richardson. The Heart of Racial Justice: How Soul Change Leads to Social Change. Downers Grove: InterVarsity Press, 2009.
 

Sherri